constantly cold, occasionally asleep

this whole not sleeping thing is some self destructive bullshit, and like, I know that, but I’m still not going to sleep right now. I’m tired, sure, but no. There are other things I could do. like slouching in my desk chair and thinking things.

this hasn’t been a great week for writing, but it’s been a good one for knitting, and for eating responsibly. I finished the christmas stocking I’m making for my baby cousin, and immediately started making myself a hat. I like having my hair short, but my ears are constantly cold — really, my everything is constantly cold, which I’m pretty much resigned to.

I made jam bars this week, an old favorite recipe, something my best friend’s mom made all the time when we were kids. for the first time ever, I made my own jam to put inside. making jam was way easier than I thought it would be, and it turned out delicious, and even set up right. I made cardamom berry jam, and I couldn’t stop eating it, spooning it from the pan over my fingers to lick off, still warm, straight from the pan.

this week I read Kitchens of the Great Midwest, by J. Ryan Stradal which only encouraged the good food thing. I also finished rereading Everything on a Waffle, by Polly Horvath, one of my favorite young adult books, which I don’t think I had opened in about a decade. They’re both great books that include recipes as part of the story, and use character’s relationships with food to understand their relationships with other things. it’s gotten me thinking about how people interact with food in my fiction, and has been a fruitful storytelling direction. I haven’t written a whole lot lately, but a fair amount of it has had to do with food.

the idea of anyone looking at my relationship with food and drawing conclusions about the rest of my life… well, they wouldn’t be wrong conclusions, but I don’t love what it says about me.

I know that I do better with eating right if I’m cooking and baking, enjoying myself and being creative, but it’s not a thing where I can make myself cook or bake more to eat right. I have to string together a decent run of not being nauseous and feeling human enough before I can get interested enough in food to think about preparing it. I’ve cooked for dinner parties while nauseous and completely uninterested in food, and it was miserable.

hopefully this week will have more baking, and more writing too.

I told an old friend I’d make him maple shortbread with candied bacon, which should be interesting if nothing else. and I have a bunch of books I’ve read and movies I watched that I want to write about before the experience gets too far away. I’m never going to be a reliable blogger, but I should be able to manage better than this.

I should actually sleep now, but god, I don’t want to. but it’s like Mick Jagger says — you can’t always get what you want. True enough. But I don’t have any plans for tomorrow, the only think stopping me from staying up is how my head is starting to ache and my eyes are growing tired. I hate feeling both tired and like sleep’s impossible. rock, hard place, etc. too tired for more articulate words.

goodnight.

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